Confessions of a Tired Toddler Mama

Last week was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I’m still processing all the feels.

Little Norah had an exciting transition into part-time daycare, so she could enjoy the wild experience of being part of a little toddler tribe learning and thriving in community.

She’s flourishing.

Her speech is already changing.

Her disposition is shifting to even more curiosity.

She’s sleeping better.

Norah says, “School is AWESOME!” …and I believe her!

The first day I dropped her off I cried.

I cried for a release of my happiness to see her joy at being able to play with other kids after raising her in a pandemic where parents shuffled their children away any time she came near. I wonder what that felt like for her and it makes my heart ache with sadness.

I cried for my pride at seeing her confidently stride into class like a total lady warrior prepared for battle. She assessed her classmates with tiny fists firmly planted on her hips and deemed them worthy of her majesty’s presence.

I cried for the weight of the guilt I’ve carried for a decade after missing these crucial first years of Mia’s life and feeling like I needed to pay my penance by being here for every moment with Norah. For never taking a break because this was what I wanted and had wished for - to be home with her to share every little milestone. For not being able to admit that some days it was simply too much and I’ve been buckling under the weight for a long time. The isolation was a prison of my own making because in some way I felt like I deserved to suffer and shouldn’t complain.

I cried for my joy of the utter silence around me and the peace of being alone with my own thoughts and then I cried for being such a selfish jerk that I would even want to be away from my family, the ones I cherish most in this world.

Gosh, motherhood is messy.

Last week was a rollercoaster, but today is the start of a new week and I’m feeling more grounded in my understanding of what I was feeling - still am feeling.

Time together is magic.

Time apart is necessary.

Time has brought change to these shores.