Last week was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I’m still processing all the feels.
Little Norah had an exciting transition into part-time daycare, so she could enjoy the wild experience of being part of a little toddler tribe learning and thriving in community.
Her speech is already changing.
Her disposition is shifting to even more curiosity.
She’s sleeping better.
Norah says, “School is AWESOME!” …and I believe her!
The first day I dropped her off I cried.
I cried for a release of my happiness to see her joy at being able to play with other kids after raising her in a pandemic where parents shuffled their children away any time she came near. I wonder what that felt like for her and it makes my heart ache with sadness.
I cried for my pride at seeing her confidently stride into class like a total lady warrior prepared for battle. She assessed her classmates with tiny fists firmly planted on her hips and deemed them worthy of her majesty’s presence.
I cried for the weight of the guilt I’ve carried for a decade after missing these crucial first years of Mia’s life and feeling like I needed to pay my penance by being here for every moment with Norah. For never taking a break because this was what I wanted and had wished for - to be home with her to share every little milestone. For not being able to admit that some days it was simply too much and I’ve been buckling under the weight for a long time. The isolation was a prison of my own making because in some way I felt like I deserved to suffer and shouldn’t complain.
I cried for my joy of the utter silence around me and the peace of being alone with my own thoughts and then I cried for being such a selfish jerk that I would even want to be away from my family, the ones I cherish most in this world.
Gosh, motherhood is messy.
Last week was a rollercoaster, but today is the start of a new week and I’m feeling more grounded in my understanding of what I was feeling - still am feeling.
Time together is magic.
Time apart is necessary.
Time has brought change to these shores.